Funny Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman Jokes

Englishman Jokes - Assisted by Other Nationalities - Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman.

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A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

• The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
• The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
• The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

• The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
• The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
• When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie. "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

Footnote:
The beauty of telling these Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes is that you can modify the nationalities to suit your audience.

A Frenchman, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are talking together after some rigorous exercise.

'I'm so tired and thirsty,' moaned the Frenchman, 'I think I must have a glass of wine.'

'I'm so tired and thirsty,' responded the German, 'I think I must have a beer.'

'I'm so tired and thirsty,' murmured the Irishman, 'I think I must have a Guinness.'

'I'm so tired and thirsty,' muttered the Englishman, 'I think I must have diabetes.'

A similar joke appeared in Simon Hoggart's column, in The Guardian. Guy and Will do not generally publish jokes which perpetuate stereo-typical humour; in this particular case the amusement has won through.

Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'

Gallows Humour

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke at the expense of his Irish companion. 'You see that, Shaughnessy, I reckon,' said the American, pointing to the gallows. 'And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?'

'Riding alone,' coolly replied Shaughnessy.

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

Setting aside political correctness, some of these jokes reflect national stereotypes, while others can be modified to suit any combination of English, Irish, Scottish or Welshmen.

Entertaining Joke About An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were confessing their secret vices to each other.

'I'm a terrible gambler,' said The Englishman.

'I'm a terrible drinker,' said The Scotsman.

'My vice is much less serious,' said The Irishman, 'I just like to tell tales about my friends.'

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them.

'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.'

'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'

Funny Jokes From Other Lands

• The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
• 'In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job.' - Conan O'Brien
• A sign seen in the window of a shop in Enniskillen, County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland. It reads: 'The bargain basement. is on the first floor.'
• Andrew called in to see his Scottish friend Angus to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked 'You're decorating, I see.'
• 
  To which Angus replied, 'No. I'm moving house.'

Silly Joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'

'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'

Clean Joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

Mirthful Joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out fishing in a boat on a lake together and doing very well.

'This is a terrific spot for fishing,' said the Englishman. 'How will we know where this spot is next time?'

'I've thought of that,' said The Scotsman, 'I've just put a mark on the side of the boat.'

'You idiot,' said the Irishman, 'how do you know we will get this boat the next time?'

Footnote:
Please send us your funny Funny Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes.